I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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