My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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