I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
