I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The power of my boobs compel you
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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