Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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