I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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