I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
