i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
