Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
