I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
