Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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