I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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