So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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