there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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