Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
