2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
