I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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