You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I could fuck to npr.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
