yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
