Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
