i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Randomize
