you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
