I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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