Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
