people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
