Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
