If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.