My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Guys Hate When Girls Do These 29 Cringeworthy Things
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me