Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just sent this text using only my big toe
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
