I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
