i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
