He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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