i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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