Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
