Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
