That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
