dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
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Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
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I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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