Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
