Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Even my vagina gasped.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
