Whats the glycemic index on semen?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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