toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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