Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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