it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
