i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again