This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.