I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
