The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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