I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
