I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
