I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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