Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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