I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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