I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
