Your dad touched me again.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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