Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
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