Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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