I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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