When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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