My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
